thoughts on turning 40
I used to have a very solid tradition of writing a reflection on the past year on my birthday. I skipped last year’s reflection because I was in the middle of a divorce and while I was doing a lot of reflecting, I didn’t want to put it in writing. But here I am, no longer in the middle of a divorce, and past due for a reflection on turning 40.
So here are some thoughts on officially (and belatedly) starting my 40s.
My mom died when she was 47 and for no rational reason I’ve always figured I’ll die in my 40s. It’s completely irrational, but it’s a thought that has guided my adult life in many ways. When I was in my late teens, I made a list of things I wanted to get done before I died and “before I died” meant “before I turn 47.” The list included finishing college, earning a PhD, writing a book, and fixing what was then my fucked up relationship with my dad. It’s all done (the book is written, is now in revision, and should be in production by the end of the year). Since I never took seriously the idea that I’d live beyond 47, I hadn’t thought seriously about what would happen after I finished all those things, assuming those things would take about 40-47 years to do and then I’d die.
I’m sure it could sound morbid or pessimistic that I’ve figured I would die in my 40s, but it hasn’t felt that way to me. After my brain hemorrhage when I was 27, the idea that I could live another 20 years felt very optimistic, actually. And as both a high school friend and a former colleague reminded me recently, no one expected me to live to see 40.
Now I’m thinking less about what I want to get done in my life and more about how I want to live my life. I’ve always been an “it’s the journey not the destination” kind of person, to some extent, so this isn’t a profound shift, but certainly I don’t feel the deadline pressure I’ve felt in the past. (Ugh, organizations I’m involved with are so into branding right now that the smart ass in me wants to say something about having a theme or slogan for this phase of my life—“I’m a lifelong learner” or “I focus on quality not quantity.”) I am more interested in just seeing how things unfold in my life without trying to push them in a particular direction.
Will I live to see 50? Who knows. Right now I’m shooting for 41.
I can so identify with your thinking of dying when you reach 47. My mother
died at 46, and I felt the same way (and now I'm 52!). I wonder if the
feeling has to do with losing a same-sex parent when you are young--friends
and relatives have made the same kind of comments about growing older than
a parent. Once I got beyond year 46, I began to be able to forgive my
mother at a relatively deep level, i suppose, in part,because I was growing
older than she had ever been.
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